Dear Email Responder Our Relationship Is Not Exclusive And I Hate You
Maybe ‘hate’ is too succinct…
We’ve been together for a while. You came around when it was least expected. All techy, you were, overtaking my Gateway PC while already in the mood for a change.
I bet you never thought I’d find out you weren’t even really ‘invented’.
You were just a file directory before we’d get to know each other…existing before ARPAnet. Or what would eventually become the “Net” all of us use today.
I never believed we’d end up together. After seeing you were often in the headlines. I thought you were in front of me because you craved attention. Not you’d eventually help me with my studies…and then we reconnected after I got my Bachelor’s.
You didn’t even keep a high profile…always laidback and not at the head of the class, like the Pager or the Cellular Phone I’d happen to spy in an occasional rerun of Charlie’s Angels.
A constant pursuer of my attention
It didn’t bother me that you got your start with MAILBOX or that you’re older. I don’t feel age should determine whether two can make a relationship a go.
Or that you were always a superstar in the making and poised to take electronic messaging by storm. Doe-eyed pupils, instructors, marketers, and virtually anyone who can access a digital device now adores you.
It’s like you were a latter-day Bond in the making. Consistently volleying with my hopes, dreams, and emotions. It’s been a challenge to tell if you ever felt anything. Were you always a cold-hearted stinker?
My worst imaginings have spiraled since:
- I’ve never heard your voice,
- know you are automated, and
- have been left wondering if our interactions
were about some stealth type of game about control.
And that’s why so much of this is hard for me to say…
You’ve grown to help a lot more people now…actually, billions. And it just doesn’t feel like you know who I am anymore.
Why won’t you see what’s right in front of you?
I open up my email client every day with the hope you’ll remember me beyond the usual, “Hi” or emotionless “Hello”. What I read instead is how many people you’re involved with.
‘Hey, read this newsletter from “Mr. Big”’, or
‘Catch the shiny course from “Ms. Wow”.
Each time, you tell me about somebody I’ve never met but first parlay it through an introduction.
As if I can be swayed by a Double Opt-in or an Email-to-message text. While the attention you receive from Google’s crystal you’re into mobile, too…
Parading yourself through an endless digital sea of people you insist I have to meet.
Or hang out with you to learn about the latest gadget you say I’ve gotta buy…
I’m tired of hearing about everyone else.
See me, not your entourage, Autoresponder.
I want you to remember us, and how we first met.
But I know that isn’t going to happen, is it?
How we met
We were arm and virtual arm after I received a welcome mail.
You were just the facilitator, I was in my freshman year of college.
After some reflection, I do understand…You have a ton of people to serve and your job as an autoresponder is important, real Next Gen stuff…
The more I’ve learned about the more I wonder if the end game is about data aggregation.
And I don’t want to blame you for it. Still…when we connect these days?
Things feel less exclusive and more impersonal between us
You forgot I’m a living, breathing soul.
Even though you demanded I accept you. As you were. Now? Who knows what you may eventually become…
You have found ways to make me laugh with digitally messengered videos, hilarious Vines, and insanely useful tips for doing things I might not have heard about otherwise.
I wanted to say, “Thank you”.
You’re not just any piece of ‘software’
And to tell you, after all these years I finally see that I, your reader, and you, the autoresponder are not an item. I want you to get with me and you do — and everyone with a connection to the Net.
You’ve branched out into having more secretive relations with “friends”. Did you think I wouldn’t hear about all of those DMs?
The Direct Messages you’re a part of, and you’re connecting them with people you think will become “instant” fans. Instagrammers, Fans, Slacks, Tweeps: is there anybody who doesn’t fall under your spell..?
What this is really about is personalization, isn’t it..?
Just not with anyone Jonesing for a relationship that’s…real.
I know it’s not your fault.
But I never wanted something so…ready-to-chat up anyone up, anytime.
I am devastated our relationship is non-exclusive…
And I hate you for it.
We’ll still know each other, and I’ll pine for you in my wildest dreams that one day you’ll show up for me, and nobody else.
Until then, we will make the same rounds, you’ll continue to introduce me to new and past people we’ve known. Never promising me anything but to upsell, blindside me with an opt-in to join another Facebook group, or charm me with the latest “It” or thing.
When what I craved was a honest:
- ‘I want to know you’…
- ‘Would you like to know me, too’
relationship?
You’re a cheater
Dear Email Responder, I’m heartbroken you see me only as an end to a means. You give good content though, now and then…No matter what I think about our relationship that’s not exclusive
I hate you.
When you’re good, it’s better
I’m so hot for you: but I can never let you know…
(When we both know this missive reveals I can’t get enough of you.)
And I loathe you for that, too. Since it’s only a matter of time until you evolve again into that next insanely useful, completely animatronic, or digitally-packing, super-heroic thing.
Respond for me just as good again: okay?
You’ve got my email addy…You always know how to reach me.
P.S. I despise you for it. And I’ll see you again, tomorrow.
That’s just the way it is.
